HEY, WHAT

April, 20??
The icebergs melted this morning and now Fifth Avenue is full of water. Anyone who managed to get their car out in time was feeling lucky.

The War of the Universes was showing at the Solar Theater and three of those seated drowned in a rush of water that filled the room and made the exits difficult to open. Afterwards, several of those interviewed testified to the novel experience of watching the top half of a film on a half-submerged screen. Apparently many of the occupants enjoyed the experience, swimming and discussing the situation, until it became apparent that raw sewage had begun to bubble up.

Again this morning radio announcers decried a new wave of 'propagandists' who blame inadequate emissions and pollution regulations for global warming. The New York Signs cited Senator Clumb's remark from the previous week: "...adherents to the Kyoro Treaty must realize that such imposed economic limitations are at the root anti-democratic." Clumb has been an outspoken advocate of New Fuel Systems and presides over the committee for infrastructure re-integration.

The President (may he live forever), meanwhile, declared the area a national disaster and moved emergency funds into the NY fire and police departments within hours. Residents of lower Manhattan have evacuated and a team of engineers who began lobbying for funding to build a sea wall several years ago, have suddenly been supplied with generous grants. "This brings to mind the sinking of Venice," quipped Tom Futile, a city engineer, "but with some of the greatest minds on our side, I'm absolutely confident our efforts will succeed in preserving our great city."

Absent Nothings

A little bit of the whole one thing after another and pretty soon things were way beyond reckoning. First there was the peak in petroleum production. Then there was the disenfranchised class and the stumbling beaurocracy who tried at the last minute to salvage the suburbs - no such luck. Then came the hostile neighbor symptoms, the convergence on the cities, the disappearance of fast-food joints, the miserable ineffectiveness of the 'alternative' fuels and energies that themselves relied upon the old means of production by petroleum-based technologies. Desert towns merged back into the desert. It all happened yesterday. No more mangoes in Michigan. No more jiffy intercontinental airplane flights. Then James Kunstler sighed and shook his head. Who wanted to hear about it when there was time? The people were pissed now, and voted for extremists. That's happened before, but not here. Like, could it? Dude, like, I don't have time for this. Like, I have to DRIVE to work tommorrow. Forget it. Forget it until it reminds you. Yo.